The whole universe singing together.

Each time I sit to write it feels pointless as there is no way to describe my experience this weekend. It was a fleeting glimpse into the deep, mysterious glory of the universe as it stands in its naked perfection. It was a sublime symphony, one single, unified note where everything that is possible exists; it was as if the whole universe was singing together to create this one sound, culminating in a white light that was at first wide and then narrowing its focus until it disappeared into nothingness. There were feelings of awe, wonder, disbelief and humility – a sense of oneness that was at once recognized but long ago forgotten. I was blown away by the simplicity of it all and yet overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the complexity of this one moment of awareness.

The feeling of coming back into awareness, into form, was unlike anything I have ever known, a free-falling, a fuzzy vagueness, and then a connection to the deep vocal soundings that, to my amazement, were coming from me – did everyone make these sounds? They seemed akin to the deep expressions of a toad and I wondered momentarily at the possibility of the medicine speaking through me. The vocalizations continued for several minutes, a “ha” sounding, over and over, building in volume, intensity, and speed, and culminating in the most bone-rattling scream that has ever erupted from my being. The scream was following by weeping that quickly subsided into the quiet whimperings of relief. As I lay, supported by my two guides, my breathing coming to stillness, I smiled and began to laugh and shared my thought that humanity is going to be ok.

I am eager to explore this release, this spaciousness that has been left in its wake – the depth and ease of breath is noticeably different and welcomed. A cathartic release of a huge magnitude and yet I wonder, connected to what? It feels that both recent journeys have been about releasing long-held grief and pain, energy that has been stuck in this body for decades but with little indication as to specifics. This release felt complete, however, as compared to the last journey (which was a psilocybin journey with a different facilitator) where it felt as if I intuitively knew that there was more to come. I am interested to see how the experience continues to reveal itself over the coming weeks and welcome the ongoing integration of this beautiful unfolding.